Happy? Birthday
by DelMarch
Summary: The road to Hell is paved with your friends' best intentions. When Ikkaku wants help, he asks for it. If he doesn't ask for it, then don't bother! Yumichika birthday crack fic, hopefully a tiny bit funny.
1. A few days before

A/N: I don't know what happened. I swear. This was supposed to be a SHORT one-shot. You know, one chapter long or something. And then... And then this happened. So, all my apologies to those who have me on Author Alert for spamming your Inbox. Sorry guys, but it's just too long to post in one single chapter, and obviously it HAS to be posted today.

This hasn't been beta-ed. I did go through it several times, so please forgive me for any mistake that may remain.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. If I did, I would not be waiting anxiously for the next chapter every single Friday.

--

**A few days before**

"Yo, Renji! ... Man, what are you doing??"

Renji cursed silently; he had been so deep in thought that he had failed to notice the incoming reiatsu.

"Eh, Ikkaku-san... I'm, er... Say, what brings you here?"

The bald man sneered.

"Renji, are you _wiping the floor_?"

The red-head scowled, making his former Division mate laugh openly.

"I'd heard from Matsumoto that you were 'helping' at the shop, but this is not what I had in mind."

"For your information, I'm also training Sado in combat. And anyway, I'm not the one who gets to wear the Shirts of Ultimate Cuteness."

That shut the Third Seat all right, who glowered while Renji smirked.

"Ah... Matsumoto told you, did she?"

"Yeah."

"Huh."

"..."

"OK, so I wear stupid clothes and you wipe the floors. I guess we're even or something."

"Guess so... So anyway, what'cha doing here?"

Ikkaku scratched his head. Was it just Renji's imagination, or did he look just a tiny bit embarrassed?

"I'm, er, looking for Tessai-san. Seen him?"

"Yes, he's in the kitchen. What do you want with him?"

"That's none of your business, Abarai."

"OK, OK." Renji held up his hands in a placating gesture.

"Can you, er, show me where the kitchen is?"

"Nope, no can do, sorry."

"Hey? Why the Hell not?"

"Coz he said not to bother him. And when Tessai-san says not to bother him, you don't bother him."

"Oh... Well then, I guess I have time to listen to you telling me about your problem then."

"What the...? What are you talking about?"

Ikkaku laughed. "You're an open book Renji. I've known you for too long. Heck, you didn't even notice me coming! That says it all, so just spit it out already."

Renji hesitated. "Huh, well..."

The Third Seat sighed. "Lemme guess: in some way or another, it has something to do with Kuchiki Rukia, right?"

The Lieutenant felt himself blushing. "Hmm, yeah."

"So what is it this time? You're speaking to her now, so what's the problem?"

"Yes, we speak, but... Well, you know me, I'm not that good with words."

"No kidding."

"Hey! So anyway, I was talking about it with Rangiku-san, and she said there are, ah, other ways to show one's..."

"Feelings, Renji, the word is feelings."

Renji gritted his teeth; his bald friend was having way too much fun at his expense.

"Yes, feelings."

"OK... So?"

"Well, she mentioned a few things I could do, but the only one I can see myself doing is, er, giving Rukia a present, you know?"

"A gift, heh? Yeah, that's not a bad idea."

"Yeah... Except I don't know what to offer her. I mean, what do you give to someone who could buy half of Seireitei anyway?"

"Che. You idiot. It's not about the price, it's about the meaning."

"Hey?"

"It doesn't matter how much it costs. What matters is what you mean with it."

"... I don't get it."

Ikkaku sighed. "Look. If she gave you a cool pair of sunglasses, would you really care how much they cost?"

"Of course not!"

"Right. Because you'd just be happy she gave you something you like. Am I right or am I right?"

"OK, OK, I understand... So all I have to do is give her something that she would like, no matter how much it costs?"

"Basically, yes. But don't give her crap, still!"

"Hey!"

That made sense, Renji figured. So now, what did Rukia like? Well _that _was easy: she loved bunnies, especially Chappy... Hmm, he was already starting to get an idea!

"Yo, thanks Ikkaku-san, man!"

"You're welcome, moron."

Renji was about to yell back, when Ururu suddenly appeared at his elbow. She did not even spare him a glance, as she handed Ikkaku a folded piece of cloth and explained in her usual frail voice:

"Tessai-san is ready. Please put this on and follow me."

Ikkaku gingerly unfolded the garment and scowled as Renji started to laugh:

"Ikkaku-san... Is that a _cooking apron_??"

Indeed it was - a nice, big, _pink _apron, with frills on the edges. Ikkaku was obviously not happy but he still put the offensive piece of clothing on. Well, he _tried _to, to be more precise; he evidently had no idea how to wear such a thing. By the time he finally managed to figure out what went where, tears of mirth were rolling down Renji's cheeks, Ururu seemed about to cry from distress- but then she always looked like that anyway - and Tessai was hollering in impatience from the kitchen.

It was only after he stopped wheezing from laughter that Renji realised he still did not know just what the 11th Divisioner wanted from Tessai-san. He vaguely thought about sneaking around the kitchen to try to find out, but the murderous bursts of reiatsu and the unintelligible but definitely very loud yells coming from the cooking area discouraged him. He might be reckless, but he was not suicidal.


	2. Transparent diversion Black makeover

A/N: I take no credit for the makeover described in this chapter. Google "Bleach 2007 calendar", click Images, and you should find my source of inspiration pretty easily :P

Disclaimer: you know the drill.

--

**Transparent diversion - Black makeover**

"Rangiku-san, please remind me again: why exactly am I here?"

"Because you're the only one with a sense of fashion who's not stuck doing... What do they call it again? Ah yes, homework."

"... I see."

Ayasegawa did not seem convinced, and Toushirou could hardly blame him. After all, it was not like Matsumoto had even, just once, asked him for his advice on anything before deciding to try on a piece of clothing (and buy it); in fact, she did not listen to him even when he gave her a piece of his mind anyway. So as far as the Captain was concerned, it could not have been more obvious that all this masquerade was nothing more than a red herring. And Ayasegawa, bless him, had many faults but stupidity was not one of them. Toushirou could not help but sneer when the Fifth Seat asked, in that airy, unconcerned tone of his:

"Say, it wouldn't have anything to do with today being my birthday and Ikkaku wanting me out of the way, would it?"

"Nooooooo, of course not! What are you thinking!?"

Matsumoto was putting on the innocent act - big time. Did she really think it actually worked? Ayasegawa sighed.

"You're right, what _am _I thinking? ... Say, this blouse would look superb on you."

"Eeehhh? Are you kidding me?"

Toushirou clearly caught the smirk on the Fifth Seat's face, and figured that this was Ayasegawa's idea of revenge: suggesting that Matsumoto try on a very loose, very long and very _covering _garment. To his credit, Toushirou had to concede that the trick seemed to be working: Matsumoto looked sincerely indignant.

The Captain checked the time again and sighed deeply. How could it have been only one hour since his Lieutenant had dragged him and the 11th Divisioner to the mall? It felt more like three hours, what with the non-stop squealing, and the running through shop after shop, and the carrying of bags that seemed to be multiplying so fast that Toushirou was starting to develop dirty theories about them.

And there she was at it again.

"Oooh, Yumichika! Look. At. This!"

"... Hmm, Rangiku-san?"

"Yes?"

"That's a _men's_ clothing store."

"I know that, you silly!"

"Oh. Then what...?"

"Not for me. For _you_!"

Toushirou had to admit, the look on Ayasegawa's face was priceless.

"For me!?"

"Yes. You'd loo-"

"Are you friggin' insane, woman!?"

There was something eerily reminiscent of Zaraki-taichou and Madarame in the way the Fifth Seat was suddenly looking and yelling at Matsumoto. But as Toushirou knew only too well, his Lieutenant was not the type to be so easily intimidated.

"No I'm not. Come on, you'll see."

It must be the sheer shock; that _had _to be the only possible explanation as to why Ayasegawa actually let her grab him by the arm, pull him into the shop and shove him into the dressing-room. He soon recovered his spirit though.

"I am _not _putting those on!"

"Sure you are... Don't make me come in there!"

"... You wouldn't _dare_!?"

The shop attendants were already giving them wary looks, so Toushirou figured it might be better to intervene before those two idiots unsheathed their zanpakutou or something.

"Trust me, Ayasegawa, she _would _dare."

No sound came from the dressing-room for a few moments. Then Toushirou clearly heard a zipper being pulled and he sighed in relief; disaster avoided - for now.

"You're done yet?"

"... Yes."

"Come out then!"

"No. I hate black. I wear it every day in Soul Society, remember?"

"Sure I do, and you look gorgeous in it. Come on, get out!"

A sigh. "Fine."

Well, what did you know? Toushirou hated to admit it, but Matsumoto was actually right for once: Ayasegawa did look great in that outfit. The tight black jeans and short-sleeved dress shirt showed off his thin figure and graceful demeanour in ways that his shihakusho could never hope to achieve.

Matsumoto already knew she had won; her squealing took on a definite ear-piercing quality.

"Oh my goodness, Yumichika! Look at yourself!"

He did. And tried to scowl. But did not quite manage. In fact, Toushirou would have sworn that the Fifth Seat was trying very hard not to smile. Matsumoto was not fooled either:

"We're totally taking it!"

Ayasegawa smirked again. "I don't have any money on me, and I seem to remember you complaining just, oh, five minutes ago, that you'd already maxed out your banking card for the _week_."

She whipped another plastic rectangle out of her purse, and Toushirou felt his blood run cold for a second; where and when had she gotten her hands on _that_?

"No problem. Birthday present from the 10th Division to you!"

"What the... Matsumoto!"

There was no _way _he was going to let _her _use _his _banking card to buy _someone else_ an ultra-expensive birthday present!

"Aww, don't worry Captain, we're getting you something too. Just stay right here, I noticed the perfect thing when we came in."

"Wha- Matsumoto!"

But she was already gone. Toushirou could not quite believe it; even after all the years he had known her, she _still _managed to take him off-guard.

"Quite a handful, isn't she?"

He turned to face the leering Fifth Seat. "Look who's talking."

Ayasegawa frowned - then smiled again. "Candy is way less expensive than clothes."

Toushirou was _not _going to let him win this one. "She's going to grow up, sooner or later."

That did it. Ayasegawa gulped and a hint of fear flashed in his eyes as the thought of a teenage, clothes-obsessed Kusajishi Yachiru ran through his mind - especially since they both knew that Zaraki-taichou and Third Seat Madarame would not hesitate one second before dumping the shopping business on the Fifth Seat.

Then Ayasegawa looked up, and an unmistakably triumphant smile settled on his face. Dread filled Toushirou as his Vice-Captain locked her arms around his neck, her boobs landed on his shoulders, and she chirped happily in his ears:

"Here, Captain, your turn!"


	3. Such a thing as too much help

Disclaimer: I own Bleach. I wish.

--

**There IS such a thing as too much help**

"Are you sure you don't want me...?"

"No, really, Orihime-chan, you don't have to..."

"But I'd _love _to!"

Ikkaku sighed. Maybe accepting this mission to the Living World had not been such a good idea after all. Sure, playing with the Arrancar was tons of fun, but dealing with the crazy girls was not. First, Mizuho and her Clothes from Hell, and now Orihime-chan and her... "recipes". At least Mizuho's antics made Yumichika laugh - a bit too much - but Ikkaku was quite sure that the Fifth Seat would _not _enjoy an orange-fish paste-wazabi "chutney" (whatever that was) with his serving of...

"Oh, oh, and we _have _to make a..."

"No!"

Hmm, maybe he should not have yelled like that; the girl seemed a bit afraid now. He tried to smile.

"Orihime-chan, I'm really thankful that you're letting me do this here, really, I am, but I swear, I can handle it on my own. I just want to do that little thing and then I'll be gone, OK?"

_Please, please, please, go away!_

The girl seemed to think about it. She frowned. Not good.

"But you said it's for his birthday."

"Yes, so?"

"Well... You don't do... _that_, for a birthday. You need to have cake, and fancy finger food and a party and..."

"No!!"

Again with the yelling. Ikkaku was starting to wonder how Kurosaki and Ishida could stand being friends with that girl; she would drive him mad in a day!

Mustering as much patience as he could manage, he tried to explain:

"No, we _really _don't need all of that. Trust me, he wouldn't like it. I know what I'm doing. I've been his friend for more than a century, I know him. All right?"

She seemed doubtful. "If you say so... I suppose..."

He sighed in relief...

"At least let me help you make them, then!"

... and caught his breath again.

He was getting desperate.

"Look, Orihime-chan, don't you have... something else to do? Like, that school stuff, or something?"

That always worked with Keigo and Mizuho - well, it worked on the psycho girl, who then made it work on her pansy-ass of a brother.

"My homework? No, it's all right, it's all done for tomorrow."

She was beaming. _Beaming_... Maybe he should have stayed at the Asanos' place after all, and looked for a way to get rid of them or something. That was the last time he listened to _anything _Matsumoto said!

He struggled to find an argument she would accept.

"Look... It's _my _birthday present to him. You can't help me do it, or it won't be mine anymore, see? It's the whole _point _of it, me doing it myself. Understand?"

Aw, now she looked crestfallen, and Ikkaku was starting to feel guilty. He scrambled for something to say.

"Here, why don't you... write him a birthday card? Hey?"

OK, that was stupid. She was not Yachiru, she could not be so easily deter-

"Yes, good idea!"

Huh. Was she smiling and clapping her hands? And now she was leaving the kitchen, and Ikkaku heard her rummage through drawers as she quietly hummed to herself.

What was it with him and crazy girls anyway? Was he a weird chick magnet or something? He heard Houzukimaru chuckle at that thought, and he scowled.

_"You, shut up."_

Houzukimaru yawned. _"Didn't say anything... You might want to get a move on, though. Kujaku says things are turning sour over there, Midget Captain is getting pretty pissed, they might be heading back soon."_

Ikkaku growled. He would not be running late if...

"Ikkaku-san!"

Not _again_!


	4. Caught in a whirlwind named Rukia

Disclaimer, what disclaimer?

--

**Caught in a whirlwind named Rukia**

Renji had a bad feeling about this. A very bad feeling. Ikkaku _had _told him not to tell anyone, that it was supposed to be a private thing. And after four decades in the 11th Division, Renji knew better than anyone else what kind of party the thugs liked, and what kind they wanted nothing to do with - which just so happened to be the kind Rukia _did _like. So yes, in hindsight, Renji figured he _really _should not have mentioned anything to the midget - but you know what they say about hindsight...

He was stuck now, though, stuck watching Rukia getting all worked up and pushing everyone around. A glance at the other people in the room told him that his discomfort was widely shared. Ichigo was scowling - more than usual, that was -, Ishida was frowning and pushing his glasses up his nose every five seconds, and Sado was... Well, Sado being Sado, he did not look any different, but Renji could have sworn that the giant boy was wishing he were far away at that very moment.

And then there was the Urahara Shoten crew. Ururu and Jinta were just being themselves, but Tessai was _crying _as though Rukia had said the most touching thing ever by declaring that the shop would be the perfect place to hold her impromptu party, Urahara was clearly hiding an evil smirk behind that fan of his, and Yoruichi-san had a gleam in her eyes that just spelt disaster to Renji. None of this was good.

"Renji!"

And now the midget had caught him not listening to her. Wonderful.

"Yeah, what?"

She stared at him with that look in her eyes that promised a painful revenge if he said the wrong thing.

"What did I just say?"

"..."

He did not know. He was in trouble. Big trouble. He desperately sought a way out.

"Look, mid- Rukia. I really don't think this is a good idea."

On second thought... Had he really been stupid enough to believe that _this _was a smart way to get _out _of his problems? If anything, he was deeper in them now than he had been before... Well, he might as well go the whole way now.

"I know the guys, remember, and I can tell you they won't like this."

He might have had a chance (the chance of an ice-cube confronted with Ryuujin Jakka, but a chance nonetheless) to convince Rukia, if Urahara, that sly bastard, had not butted in.

"Now, now, Abarai-kun, I don't see how anyone could object to something like this. I personally think it's a lovely idea."

And of course, _of course_, Yoruichi-san had to intervene too.

"Yes, and everyone could do with an evening of relaxation I think. You guys have all been training hard, you deserve a break."

She sounded serious, but Renji was no fool: her eyes were twinkling, she was enjoying this.

He was so dead. He knew he could not win against Rukia, Urahara _and _Yoruichi. Gloomily, he glanced at the other boys in the room, but he already knew he was not going to find any support there. Ichigo was not crazy enough to go against the midget's wishes when she was so worked up, Sado was Ichigo's friend and he owed a favour to Urahara for letting him train in his basement, and Ishida... Renji cringed. Ishida actually looked _excited _now.

That was no good. If at least Hitsugaya had been there... But then that would have meant that Matsumoto and Inoue-san would be there too, which would only make things worse. And it was not like anyone actually listened to the shorty outside of battle situations anyway...

In utter despair, Renji went to sit next to Jinta and Ururu, who were listening and watching silently. Let all those crazy people make all their plans, there was nothing Renji could do to stop them anymore. He would just wait, and then he would do whatever they asked of him, all the while waiting for his upcoming doom to fall on him once his former Division mates figured what he had unwittingly done.

_"You finished with the whining?"_

Huh? _"Zabimaru?"_

_"No, the tooth fairy... Of course, it's me!"_

_"What do you want?"_

_"To knock some sense into you."_

_"Whaddaya mean?"_

_"Easy. Just because those traitors are putting up the party of the century, doesn't mean the other two have to attend it."_

Oh... But... _"Rukia will notice if I try to get away or give a phone call."_

Renji clearly heard Zabimaru sigh. _"Moron."_

_"Hey! ... What do you suggest?"_

_"Zanpakutou mail service."_

Ooooh... _"You can contact Houzukimaru?"_

_"Sure thing. Just give me the word."_

_"Zabimaru, I love you!"_

_"..."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Better be."_


	5. Escape on a roof

Dis - yadda yadda - claimer.

--

**Escape on a roof**

Renji had _got _to be kidding! A _party_, thrown by _Kuchiki and Urahara_!? Could things get any worse??

_"Don't say that."_

Houzukimaru was right; obviously, his luck had abandoned Ikkaku today, so he had better not invite more disasters.

_"I think the girl knows."_

The girl...? Oh, Orihime-chan. The phone call, a few minutes ago!

_"Yeah, I bet she does."_

_"So what's the plan?"_

_"We're getting out of here. Now."_

After checking that the girl was busy in the living-room (... Was she making _paper ornaments_? In pink and orange!?), Ikkaku discreetly looked through the cupboards. He quickly located a box big enough for his needs, and proceeded to fill it as fast as he could. He then grabbed a pen, fished for a paper towel in one of the drawers, and wrote a short thankyou note which he left visibly displayed in the middle of the table. Finally, he threw one last critical look all around the room, checking that he had not left any mess anywhere and that he had cleaned everything he had used or touched.

And then he opened the window, jumped out, and ran away. From a girl. And a party. Like a coward. He sighed; he would never hear the end of it if - no, _when_, let's be realistic - the Lieutenant got wind of that. Oh well.

_"Tell Kujaku we're meeting on the building top we were at on our first night."_

He arrived there first, and sat down under the darkening sky. This had been one mad day. All he had wanted was to celebrate Yumichika's birthday in the way his friend liked best - privately -, but no! Everyone else just _had _to get involved. And here Ikkaku had naively thought that things would actually be easier during a mission to the Living World. No sugar-loaded Lieutenant to demand a cake and games, no Captain and subordinates to jump on the opportunity to guzzle sake down by the -

The sake! He had forgotten the sake! How _could _he have forgotten the sake!? He took his head in his hands. This was a disaster...

"Ikkaku?"

He looked up - and stared. He must have looked funny like that, because Yumichika laughed softly as he sat down next to him, while Hitsugaya scowled.

"Not a word, Madarame."

That was the wrong thing to say. Ikkaku smirked.

"Why, don't you two look _sexy_!"

Hitsugaya crossed his arms and looked away, while Yumichika chuckled.

"Don't you worry, Ikkaku, Rangiku-san already knows what to get _you_."

Ikkaku's heart dropped.

"Wh-What?"

Yumichika nodded happily.

"Yup. You, and Renji, and Ichigo..."

"That woman is crazy!"

Yumichika laughed again while Hitsugaya sighed. "Tell me about it."

The short Captain uncrossed his arms, picked up a shopping bag at his feet and handed it over to Yumichika.

"Here. Happy birthday, Ayasegawa."

Yumichika seemed surprised; even more so when he looked in the bag.

"Thank you, Hitsugaya-taichou!"

"Ah. Just remember our deal. And you didn't see me tonight, either of you."

And with that he disappeared in the doorway to the staircase.

"What did he give you?"

Yumichika pulled a bottle from the bag and beamed.

"Sake!"

"Oi! How did he know?"

"Know what?"

"That I forgot the sake."

"You forgot the sake!?"

"Yeah, well... I had a hard day, OK?"

Ikkaku scowled as Yumichika snorted.

"You're not the one who went shopping with Rangiku-san and ended up getting all dressed in black - on my birthday no less."

"What!? You look good in this."

"Thank you very much, but that doesn't change the fact that you had Matsumoto drag me through an entire mall, so it had better have been worth it."

Ikkaku bit his lip.

"Especially if you forgot about the sake..."

Ugh. Maybe he should have gone along with that party idea after all. Reluctantly, he picked up the box behind him and gave it to Yumichika.

"They are cold, and soft too because they were in the box, but happy birthday anyway."

He could tell his friend was intrigued, and he hoped he would not be _too_ disappointed. The purple eyes widened in surprise as Yumichika opened the box, and there was a note of wonder in his voice when he asked:

"Did you make them yourself?"

"Yup. Asked Tessai-san to show me how, and Orihime-chan let me use her kitchen. Matsumoto and Hitsugaya were supposed to bring you back there, but..."

Yumichika laughed again - but it was his easy, happy laugh this time.

"Yes, I heard about the party."

"You didn't want to go, I hope?"

"Are you kidding?"

The smile on Yumichika's face told Ikkaku everything he wanted to know. He was at peace again as he watched his friend pull a saggy French fry from the box and nibble on it.

"How did you know?"

"You took two servings, two days in a row, on your first time, and you haven't gone more than three days since then without having some again."

Yumichika smiled that soft, bright half-smile that Ikkaku loved so much.

"You know me too well."

Yes, yes Ikkaku supposed he did. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes as he allowed his lips to stretch into a small self-satisfied smile.

"Thank you, Ikkaku."

"Welcome, kid."

Silence. _Finally_. Relaxing, quiet, peaceful, comfortable silence. Until...

"Hm, I guess that explains the pink apron incident."

"... RENJI!!"

--

END.

I hope that wasn't too un-funny...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YUMICHIKA!


End file.
